I’m relaxing at home, and I don’t wanna do chores. 

I was nagged into helping my mother hang the clothes she had ironed. Whilst grudgingly putting shirts onto hangers and cursing when the shirts were too big and slid off I had a interesting thought: I don’t need validation.

That’s not a blanket statement, of course, but my mind immediately went to orientation (which one, I won’t say) when they had decided to choose the best camper/MVP. I’m not exactly the most rah-rah of persons (I have personally come to the conclusion that my personal hell involves a orientation camp with bad showers/bed, sleep deprivation and stupid cheers/games/people) but I do think I did try my best, even summoning up the (fake?) enthusiasm sometimes for the game cheers.

So when they said they wanted to choose the best camper, (and I’m not sure whether this is egoistic) I thought I had a fighting chance. A parasecond later, rationality kicks in. It can’t be me. Why? Because Celestine isn’t MVP material. Looking at it logically, I’m not good at many things. Including sports. Actually, I’m terrible at sports. I’m not very popular - and to clarify this I mean that I’m not easily relatable and outgoing. There are people who are well-liked and they can command the respect of people. People do things for them, or follow their lead. In contrast… I’m not exactly that, if you know what I mean.

I was actually quite torn during the incident. On one hand, some part of me that chose to invest myself in the whole process of camp and orientation group wanted desperately to be validated. Good job, Celestine! I had assumed that would be. A metaphorical pat in the back. The other, more rational and distanced portion of me (that rules me for about only 70% of the time, to my dismay) was irritated that I would even be foolish enough to want such a thing. It was also very grouchy because I was sleep deprived. My inner voice was going fuck this shit. GO home and sleep.

As you would expect, I wasn’t chosen. DID YOU THINK OTHERWISE?! But yeah, some other girl got it. I have gotten better at displaying a poker face though, and I cheered and tried to feel happy for her (to be honest, I didn’t really care. I was so tired I could only expend the energy to think about myself and my wants/needs).

Having a distance of about almost one year from the event, I realize the only validation that would have mattered at that point, was my own. Getting MVP would have been one way of soothing my unease at doing these kinds of things, a sort of justification. But thinking back, I’m glad that I went for the camp. I might not have liked it 100%. But it wasn’t a totally shitty experience. I had moments of fun. If anything, it was a learning experience.

So, the moral of the story is that I should hang more clothing and get more epiphanies.